Aargh, the last entry was long! I'll keep this one shorter.
I got all upset by the pain clinic's careful dashing of hopes, so slumped into a huge (and migrainous) fit of depression, pain and despair, all of which went to show the relaxation lessons will be very helpful. Meanwhile, I have carte blanche to go back to narcotic pain relief if it keeps me functional. I am also corresponding with the Samaritans by email to help with the despair thing. It saves me having a very miserable blog and upsetting my friends. Whining, but guilt-free! When I no longer end up in tears at the end of each email I'll probably stop considering myself depressed. I think I am coming out of it now anyway.
I rang the London Migraine Clinic and the doc explained (again, alas) that they're not overseeing my pain meds at all, so I also rang the GP and got an appointment for next Friday morning. Go me! The week long wait shows they're busy, so I've written down my case for getting back onto Tramadol. The one change between last year and now is that I will probably mentally be much better able to cope when the painkillers aren't effective, which is going to happen several times per week. The downside to better pain relief is that you notice the pain so much more when it stops. The upside is of course that you are able to actually do things.
Speaking of which, I have some Happy Fun Cocodamol fizzing in a glass next to me which has been sitting there for ten minutes, so I should take my drugs and get back to the written Chinese I have been learning from the basiccharacters Livejournal community. One character per day most days is still slightly hard to keep up with but I am trying hard to. The ten household tasks swallows a lot more of my thinking time than I had guessed.
Friday 29 February 2008
Tuesday 26 February 2008
In which the Rodent has its first visit to a pain clinic.
The ME yuk has faded into the background again. Migraines restrict me so much that I am never quite sure if the lack of fluey ache is because I am in remission, because the beta blockers are a miracle drug for my particular woes, or whether I end up accidentally staying at less than seventy percent of capability and thus don't trigger an ME crash. It's impossible to tell without about fifteen thousand similarly afflicted Rodents and a million pounds. Whatever it is, I am lboody grateful.
Today I finally managed to attend a pain clinic after missing the first appointment by turning up on the wrong day. This time it was the right day, although by the end of the two hour assessment I couldn't honestly have told you what day it was without looking at my calendar. The calendar is one of the few Flylady items, I've tried that actually works for me, and this is only after years of slowly adapting the system to my own needs. The main reason the calendar works is because there's no picture and so you end up with two A3 sized pieces of paper for every month.
What I have been told is that after taking no painkillers at all between July 17 2007 and November 17 2007, the headaches are not rebound and I can take whatever kills the pain while the pain clinic teaches me new methods to relax and cope. I'm all for the relaxation, since I think I need it. I don't need the added psychological barrier of being afraid to go out because it will hurt, and that is already beginning to happen. When I explained this, though, I got no feedback at all about whether this was something they did or not. It was very much a talking to blank walls exercise. I could have used their not carefully explaining that they don't offer miracles, since I am feeling crushed and hopeless enough as it is. I'm not expecting to be pain free, or drug free, but it would be nice to be in a better mental place. They kept asking me what I thought they could offer me, and I don't know what they can. Relaxation techniques, CBT, tea and biscuits, who knows? I felt horribly like I was sitting an oral exam I hadn't studied for.
I told them fairly honestly what I use to help the pain: two times 8/500 cocodamol two or three times a day, sometimes four, sometimes none. Tramadol if I need my wits about me for any length of time. Alcohol as an occasional alternative when I want to go out with friends (the Solstice was very boozy). Headbutting a wall during the really bad ones.
I forgot to mention super-sour sweets, cinnamon sweets and ice cream, all of which help the pain by giving me a few seconds respite/distraction.
I am thinking I need a non-junkie style way to explain to my migraine doc that when I was on thirty or so tramadol per month I was unhappy and unable to work but able to learn Spanish, travel to Spain, find my own accommodation and keep up my hobbies, while without them I am struggling with getting to the corner shop and back again. Either my brain has deteriorated very swiftly since 2007 and I am in serious trouble (and livejournal entries then and now suggest not), or my mental health has just become that bad for some reason (that's harder to ascertain), or strong pain relief really does help me get it together. I need to get that all out verbally without resorting at any point to screaming GIVE ME DRUGS!! because that won't help my case. Unfortunately, while I can type this out fairly calmly, once I'm talking to a doc I can hear the brain cells dribbling away until I am snivelling about wanting more tramadol because it makes me feel better....
It might even actually be better to be a drug-free zombie and not get habituated, although experience really, really says I need something. I really wanted a doc at the pain clinic I could talk this sort of thing over with, and I didn't get it. I'll be going to a GP I probably haven't seen before and asking for tramadol after a looooooooong gap without them, so I want to do it with backing. For this reason, I have an appointment to phone my doc at the London Migraine Clinic on Friday morning. I'll take her advice as regard tramadol. Cocodamol too, since, although it's available OTC, I still don't want to make things worse.
I am working on my own strategies for being unable to think all day. I do ten pieces of housework every day, or at least make a gesture in their direction, and mark them done (or not done) on a whiteboard. They're beginning to slowly be things I do without having to think about them. In particular, it's been natural now for months to wash up as I wait for the kettle to boil for my first cuppa, but it's now becoming second nature to also grab the no-taint kitchen spray and a square of Bounty cloth and wipe the kitchen surfaces and visible spots down. While I eat breakfast, the kitchen is spotless. This is so much not the case for the rest of the day. Wiping the bathroom and brushing the loo are also becoming less things I think about and more things I do naturally, and so those might also come off the list-of-ten-things. I can then add new things onto the list. At the current rate, with current levels of gaga, I could be fairly self sufficient and possibly working at something very simple in three to five years.
For depression, actually, not having to think what to do next is a huge bonus. It's been helping me deal with those February blues, stopping the vicious circle of lack of arsedness--->mess--->being overwhelmed--->depression--->lack of arsedness. If I get a huge relapse or merely hit my limit in the future, I will still try to keep my morning routine going just for the lack of stress it engenders.
Since feeding the cat and emptying her tray are on the list, Moth thinks it's a very good thing. She will come and get me if her cat tray is too full for her comfort, after spreading litter and poo about, so it's good for both of us if it's emptied regularly.
Pol and I had our usual Huge Row about the fact that he really wants to live in a caravan and I really can't cope with it even though the idea itself appeals. The last time we had this row, he threw me out just before I walked out, then he bought me coffee about a minute later and we got very vommish while addressing the very real concern I had over getting so little sleep each night. We left the caravan and moved to this house soon after. This time, we just sat and talked it through for a while, then went and watched the first episode of Stargate SG1 together. Like the fact that I want a dog, the fact that he likes living in a caravan is going to keep on and keep on coming up in the future, so I'll be looking for some way forward to that dream. Perhaps he'll start sleeping eight hours a night. Either that or I can live in a second caravan. One full of dogs. Smelly dogs.
Today I finally managed to attend a pain clinic after missing the first appointment by turning up on the wrong day. This time it was the right day, although by the end of the two hour assessment I couldn't honestly have told you what day it was without looking at my calendar. The calendar is one of the few Flylady items, I've tried that actually works for me, and this is only after years of slowly adapting the system to my own needs. The main reason the calendar works is because there's no picture and so you end up with two A3 sized pieces of paper for every month.
What I have been told is that after taking no painkillers at all between July 17 2007 and November 17 2007, the headaches are not rebound and I can take whatever kills the pain while the pain clinic teaches me new methods to relax and cope. I'm all for the relaxation, since I think I need it. I don't need the added psychological barrier of being afraid to go out because it will hurt, and that is already beginning to happen. When I explained this, though, I got no feedback at all about whether this was something they did or not. It was very much a talking to blank walls exercise. I could have used their not carefully explaining that they don't offer miracles, since I am feeling crushed and hopeless enough as it is. I'm not expecting to be pain free, or drug free, but it would be nice to be in a better mental place. They kept asking me what I thought they could offer me, and I don't know what they can. Relaxation techniques, CBT, tea and biscuits, who knows? I felt horribly like I was sitting an oral exam I hadn't studied for.
I told them fairly honestly what I use to help the pain: two times 8/500 cocodamol two or three times a day, sometimes four, sometimes none. Tramadol if I need my wits about me for any length of time. Alcohol as an occasional alternative when I want to go out with friends (the Solstice was very boozy). Headbutting a wall during the really bad ones.
I forgot to mention super-sour sweets, cinnamon sweets and ice cream, all of which help the pain by giving me a few seconds respite/distraction.
I am thinking I need a non-junkie style way to explain to my migraine doc that when I was on thirty or so tramadol per month I was unhappy and unable to work but able to learn Spanish, travel to Spain, find my own accommodation and keep up my hobbies, while without them I am struggling with getting to the corner shop and back again. Either my brain has deteriorated very swiftly since 2007 and I am in serious trouble (and livejournal entries then and now suggest not), or my mental health has just become that bad for some reason (that's harder to ascertain), or strong pain relief really does help me get it together. I need to get that all out verbally without resorting at any point to screaming GIVE ME DRUGS!! because that won't help my case. Unfortunately, while I can type this out fairly calmly, once I'm talking to a doc I can hear the brain cells dribbling away until I am snivelling about wanting more tramadol because it makes me feel better....
It might even actually be better to be a drug-free zombie and not get habituated, although experience really, really says I need something. I really wanted a doc at the pain clinic I could talk this sort of thing over with, and I didn't get it. I'll be going to a GP I probably haven't seen before and asking for tramadol after a looooooooong gap without them, so I want to do it with backing. For this reason, I have an appointment to phone my doc at the London Migraine Clinic on Friday morning. I'll take her advice as regard tramadol. Cocodamol too, since, although it's available OTC, I still don't want to make things worse.
I am working on my own strategies for being unable to think all day. I do ten pieces of housework every day, or at least make a gesture in their direction, and mark them done (or not done) on a whiteboard. They're beginning to slowly be things I do without having to think about them. In particular, it's been natural now for months to wash up as I wait for the kettle to boil for my first cuppa, but it's now becoming second nature to also grab the no-taint kitchen spray and a square of Bounty cloth and wipe the kitchen surfaces and visible spots down. While I eat breakfast, the kitchen is spotless. This is so much not the case for the rest of the day. Wiping the bathroom and brushing the loo are also becoming less things I think about and more things I do naturally, and so those might also come off the list-of-ten-things. I can then add new things onto the list. At the current rate, with current levels of gaga, I could be fairly self sufficient and possibly working at something very simple in three to five years.
For depression, actually, not having to think what to do next is a huge bonus. It's been helping me deal with those February blues, stopping the vicious circle of lack of arsedness--->mess--->being overwhelmed--->depression--->lack of arsedness. If I get a huge relapse or merely hit my limit in the future, I will still try to keep my morning routine going just for the lack of stress it engenders.
Since feeding the cat and emptying her tray are on the list, Moth thinks it's a very good thing. She will come and get me if her cat tray is too full for her comfort, after spreading litter and poo about, so it's good for both of us if it's emptied regularly.
Pol and I had our usual Huge Row about the fact that he really wants to live in a caravan and I really can't cope with it even though the idea itself appeals. The last time we had this row, he threw me out just before I walked out, then he bought me coffee about a minute later and we got very vommish while addressing the very real concern I had over getting so little sleep each night. We left the caravan and moved to this house soon after. This time, we just sat and talked it through for a while, then went and watched the first episode of Stargate SG1 together. Like the fact that I want a dog, the fact that he likes living in a caravan is going to keep on and keep on coming up in the future, so I'll be looking for some way forward to that dream. Perhaps he'll start sleeping eight hours a night. Either that or I can live in a second caravan. One full of dogs. Smelly dogs.
Saturday 23 February 2008
In which the Rodent suffers an ME relapse.
Thursday night we went to dinner with Julia Jones and it was really, really nice. The restaurant was one that cooks vegetables little enough that they still taste of vegetable and we all had a very good meal. The service was very good, with staff being pleased to see us and willing to do extra little things to make the meal more pleasant. The waitress remembered what we were all drinking when we wanted refills. They do steamed char sui buns too, which is a happy thing for me.
Julia was full of interesting anecdotes and she and Pol were well away remembering various events in the steel industry. I didn't have an awful lot to add, but it was fun sitting and listening. Pol told me I was having real trouble finding words at all by the end of the evening, with long pauses. This must have been quite dull to listen to. I didn't actually notice, being too caught up in what I was saying. :0)
*************
Yesterday I woke up feeling very MEish, with the unpleasant fluey yuk in every joint. I took the day off, doing pretty much nothing and eating junk food, while Pol got on with his Open University assignment. The day ended with pizza because it was all I could face. Pol did six of my ten, so the house has been looked after.
*************
Today I woke up feeling more human and able to do my ten. I realised that, despite washing yesterday, I had that horrible sweat-sour ill person smell. I was very glad to have a bath, and I felt a lot better after. I've covered myself in Lush Silky Underwear powder and lit a candle in my room and gathered dirty clothes into bags ready to go in the machine. Each bag holds exactly one wash, so you don't overload the machine. Everything seems much fresher and more pleasant. It made me realise that people with ME are ill. I mean, I know that, but so many doctors think it's somatic that it's hard not to feel you're just being feeble somehow.
My migraines aren't getting much beyond mildly annoying. Yesterday was a heavy cocodamol day, all four doses, with the most recent being when I woke up at 3am sweating and in a lot of fluey pain. Today I've had none, though I might later.
My main problem is that I am starting to feel a little fluey again. Not badly, but a little achey under the armpits. ME pain always strikes me as a fairly accurate map of my lymph nodes, starting with armpits and neck and working down right to the back of the knees. I'm back on the beta-blockers after a long gap when I couldn't get out to get any, and they will stop me being MEish at all, but they take a couple of weeks to really kick in. I don't want to push things and trigger a major relapse, so I am beginning to think I am going to have to cancel tonight's dinner-and-a-show. I am gutted, since I wanted to see Emma and Andrew very much indeed. They're nice people and I miss seeing them.
Bah.
At least I smell nice.
Julia was full of interesting anecdotes and she and Pol were well away remembering various events in the steel industry. I didn't have an awful lot to add, but it was fun sitting and listening. Pol told me I was having real trouble finding words at all by the end of the evening, with long pauses. This must have been quite dull to listen to. I didn't actually notice, being too caught up in what I was saying. :0)
*************
Yesterday I woke up feeling very MEish, with the unpleasant fluey yuk in every joint. I took the day off, doing pretty much nothing and eating junk food, while Pol got on with his Open University assignment. The day ended with pizza because it was all I could face. Pol did six of my ten, so the house has been looked after.
*************
Today I woke up feeling more human and able to do my ten. I realised that, despite washing yesterday, I had that horrible sweat-sour ill person smell. I was very glad to have a bath, and I felt a lot better after. I've covered myself in Lush Silky Underwear powder and lit a candle in my room and gathered dirty clothes into bags ready to go in the machine. Each bag holds exactly one wash, so you don't overload the machine. Everything seems much fresher and more pleasant. It made me realise that people with ME are ill. I mean, I know that, but so many doctors think it's somatic that it's hard not to feel you're just being feeble somehow.
My migraines aren't getting much beyond mildly annoying. Yesterday was a heavy cocodamol day, all four doses, with the most recent being when I woke up at 3am sweating and in a lot of fluey pain. Today I've had none, though I might later.
My main problem is that I am starting to feel a little fluey again. Not badly, but a little achey under the armpits. ME pain always strikes me as a fairly accurate map of my lymph nodes, starting with armpits and neck and working down right to the back of the knees. I'm back on the beta-blockers after a long gap when I couldn't get out to get any, and they will stop me being MEish at all, but they take a couple of weeks to really kick in. I don't want to push things and trigger a major relapse, so I am beginning to think I am going to have to cancel tonight's dinner-and-a-show. I am gutted, since I wanted to see Emma and Andrew very much indeed. They're nice people and I miss seeing them.
Bah.
At least I smell nice.
Thursday 21 February 2008
In which the Rodent eats far too few vegetables.
I've been out yet again! The cold snap has gone. Pol and I walked in the rain down to the closer postbox. There was a tree next to it, covered in flowers and a road safety poster for some poor road victim. After that we went to the sandwich shop for bin lids. I had steak Canadien (mechanically recovered meat) with mushrooms and onions, and a cup of pea and ham soup. Three portions of veg for breakfast if you don't mind them being half the recommended size.
Pol told me the powers that be have upped the ante to seven fruit and veg a day. Given their recommended portion sizes (three whole sticks of celery or one dessert bowl of salad is one portion) does anyone actually eat that? A soup made from three sticks of celery, two carrots, a turnip, one bowl of cabbage, two cups of whole grain, two small onions and one and a half cups of mushrooms would feed me for two days, but add that to a bowl of shredded wheat and a glass of orange juice, and it's government recommended intake. Actually, I should try that one day, just to see if I can eat that much.
The walk hasn't hurt me at all and I've done my ten things as well. I hit the cocodamol heavily yesterday, since I had Claire over to play cards. Three doses in the day. Today migraines haven't bothered me until just now and it's 2pm and the pain has kicked in at a lowly four. I'll eat the lunch I cooked but forgot about and see if it helps before I take drugs today. I've finished watching Scrubs now, all the five series I own. It was great fun and now it's over.
Pol told me the powers that be have upped the ante to seven fruit and veg a day. Given their recommended portion sizes (three whole sticks of celery or one dessert bowl of salad is one portion) does anyone actually eat that? A soup made from three sticks of celery, two carrots, a turnip, one bowl of cabbage, two cups of whole grain, two small onions and one and a half cups of mushrooms would feed me for two days, but add that to a bowl of shredded wheat and a glass of orange juice, and it's government recommended intake. Actually, I should try that one day, just to see if I can eat that much.
The walk hasn't hurt me at all and I've done my ten things as well. I hit the cocodamol heavily yesterday, since I had Claire over to play cards. Three doses in the day. Today migraines haven't bothered me until just now and it's 2pm and the pain has kicked in at a lowly four. I'll eat the lunch I cooked but forgot about and see if it helps before I take drugs today. I've finished watching Scrubs now, all the five series I own. It was great fun and now it's over.
Monday 18 February 2008
In which the Rodent contemplates a sunset in the Pennines.
It's been another bright and sunny day. I've been out twice, once with sunglasses and once without. I ended up taking cocodamol twice today. The pain got all the way up to seven, and yet an hour later I feel pretty good. It spikes up to seven and then fades back to an ignorable three.
Yesterday we went out shopping. It wasn't so much of an ordeal as I remember it being. I found a nice picture for Anne. We went part of the way to Nottingham to deliver it, then Pol got tired and we turned back, just in time to spend a long time in a queue behind a very unpleasant smash on the M62. We could see all the lights clustered about half a mile away. We were in the Pennines and spent a while contemplating some stunning scenery in between being freezing. I had a migraine but no pills, but even through the sunglasses and pain it was very pretty indeed. The sun was lighting everything dark orange to the west, sending black shadows to the east, while frost painted the ground to the north of stands of trees.
It's been another bright and sunny day. I've been out twice, once with sunglasses and once without. I ended up taking cocodamol twice today. The pain got all the way up to seven, and yet an hour later I feel pretty good. It spikes up to seven and then fades back to an ignorable three.
Yesterday we went out shopping. It wasn't so much of an ordeal as I remember it being. I found a nice picture for Anne. We went part of the way to Nottingham to deliver it, then Pol got tired and we turned back, just in time to spend a long time in a queue behind a very unpleasant smash on the M62. We could see all the lights clustered about half a mile away. We were in the Pennines and spent a while contemplating some stunning scenery in between being freezing. I had a migraine but no pills, but even through the sunglasses and pain it was very pretty indeed.
Yesterday we went out shopping. It wasn't so much of an ordeal as I remember it being. I found a nice picture for Anne. We went part of the way to Nottingham to deliver it, then Pol got tired and we turned back, just in time to spend a long time in a queue behind a very unpleasant smash on the M62. We could see all the lights clustered about half a mile away. We were in the Pennines and spent a while contemplating some stunning scenery in between being freezing. I had a migraine but no pills, but even through the sunglasses and pain it was very pretty indeed. The sun was lighting everything dark orange to the west, sending black shadows to the east, while frost painted the ground to the north of stands of trees.
It's been another bright and sunny day. I've been out twice, once with sunglasses and once without. I ended up taking cocodamol twice today. The pain got all the way up to seven, and yet an hour later I feel pretty good. It spikes up to seven and then fades back to an ignorable three.
Yesterday we went out shopping. It wasn't so much of an ordeal as I remember it being. I found a nice picture for Anne. We went part of the way to Nottingham to deliver it, then Pol got tired and we turned back, just in time to spend a long time in a queue behind a very unpleasant smash on the M62. We could see all the lights clustered about half a mile away. We were in the Pennines and spent a while contemplating some stunning scenery in between being freezing. I had a migraine but no pills, but even through the sunglasses and pain it was very pretty indeed.
Wednesday 13 February 2008
In which the Rodent has a sinus headache that is NOT A MIGRAINE.
I've had daily migraines since June 2006. This is not news.
I've had a constant state of migraine, 24 hours a day, since July 2007, when I tried taking no painkillers for a few months. Again, this is not news.
I still have a headache now. The aspiring I took on top of the cocodamol have kicked in. I'd noticed a certain clarity of thinking. Signs like being able to go downstairs to put on hot water and coming upstairs having put the hot water on. Now, this is actually a major achievement for me.
What I did notice a few minutes ago was that all of my headache suddenly went up to the top of my head. This is where I'd expect sinus pain to manifest. It feels like sinus pain, in fact. The front of my face is burning and I have a lumpy weight pressing down from the top.
However. IT IS NOT A MIGRAINE. It's a headache, but it's not a migraine headache. For the first time in over six months I am free of migraine.
I have snorted salt water into my sinuses and been rewarded with green solid gunk and blood. Yummy.
I've had a constant state of migraine, 24 hours a day, since July 2007, when I tried taking no painkillers for a few months. Again, this is not news.
I still have a headache now. The aspiring I took on top of the cocodamol have kicked in. I'd noticed a certain clarity of thinking. Signs like being able to go downstairs to put on hot water and coming upstairs having put the hot water on. Now, this is actually a major achievement for me.
What I did notice a few minutes ago was that all of my headache suddenly went up to the top of my head. This is where I'd expect sinus pain to manifest. It feels like sinus pain, in fact. The front of my face is burning and I have a lumpy weight pressing down from the top.
However. IT IS NOT A MIGRAINE. It's a headache, but it's not a migraine headache. For the first time in over six months I am free of migraine.
I have snorted salt water into my sinuses and been rewarded with green solid gunk and blood. Yummy.
In which the Rodent makes good and is rewarded by a nice room.
I know I seem to spend my time letting things fall where they may, letting the house achieve a state of squalor and then cleaning it all up again, but I am still very pleased with the last two days.
Yesterday was a lazy day. Since I have this routine and want to do things every day, I am careful, especially after a weekend like this has been, to take a day now and then to just be a lazy slob. That said, my slobbishness only came to the fore after I had looked after the cat, washed every dirty pot and tried (and failed) to bake a supply of oat and rice breakfast bars. I let them overcook and they became bricks, but the batch I took a little too early were very edible, so I know now to leave them in for less time and not to try to melt brown sugar onto the top without a blowtorch or risking a saucepan.
Today was making up for a lack of earlier attention to my room. I always know I have been neglecting my main haven when I am reluctant to put out my posh embroidered bedspread in case it gets smelly or dirty.
I dragged myself out of bed promising myself I would do my 'ten things' daily list. The list is: feed the cat, water her tray of grass, brush the floors downstairs, wipe the kitchen (with implicit washing up beforehand), wipe the bathroom down, brush the loo, check the cat tray (with implicit leaving it empty), check the kitchen bin (and empty if full, or just wipe if not), mark Not Known At This Address for post and putting it in the red bag and change the hand towel in the bathroom for a fresh one. I usually get 6 out of 10 even on a lazy day.
Today my aim was to do all ten before I let myself watch more Scrubs. Somehow, in addition, I've put laundry on to wash and dry, tidied away some camera pieces into a bag, tidied all the rubbish in my room, sorted out, decluttered and wiped the bathroom stand, cleaned the bathroom floor, made my bed from scratch (old bedding is in the dryer right now), played madly with Moth who it turns out likes to kill dressing gown cord (I think it incites carrier bags into uprisings or something), emptied the bathroom bin, put clean clothes away (washed and dried at the weekend) and put out a joss stick (downstairs) and the oil burner (my room).
I've yet to get washed and dressed or sort out dinner for tonight, so my room is getting attention but I am not. I can feel a major migraine building. I woke up headachey, but it got better, and this is my first major migraine of the day, at 3pm after an 8am start. The pain's only at a 4, making doing things a drag but not badly, but I want to try, just for once, to head it off at the pass. If I had less migraine, I would do a little piece of sewing, but I don't, so I won't. It's enough that my floor is clear and my room smells good.
Yesterday was a lazy day. Since I have this routine and want to do things every day, I am careful, especially after a weekend like this has been, to take a day now and then to just be a lazy slob. That said, my slobbishness only came to the fore after I had looked after the cat, washed every dirty pot and tried (and failed) to bake a supply of oat and rice breakfast bars. I let them overcook and they became bricks, but the batch I took a little too early were very edible, so I know now to leave them in for less time and not to try to melt brown sugar onto the top without a blowtorch or risking a saucepan.
Today was making up for a lack of earlier attention to my room. I always know I have been neglecting my main haven when I am reluctant to put out my posh embroidered bedspread in case it gets smelly or dirty.
I dragged myself out of bed promising myself I would do my 'ten things' daily list. The list is: feed the cat, water her tray of grass, brush the floors downstairs, wipe the kitchen (with implicit washing up beforehand), wipe the bathroom down, brush the loo, check the cat tray (with implicit leaving it empty), check the kitchen bin (and empty if full, or just wipe if not), mark Not Known At This Address for post and putting it in the red bag and change the hand towel in the bathroom for a fresh one. I usually get 6 out of 10 even on a lazy day.
Today my aim was to do all ten before I let myself watch more Scrubs. Somehow, in addition, I've put laundry on to wash and dry, tidied away some camera pieces into a bag, tidied all the rubbish in my room, sorted out, decluttered and wiped the bathroom stand, cleaned the bathroom floor, made my bed from scratch (old bedding is in the dryer right now), played madly with Moth who it turns out likes to kill dressing gown cord (I think it incites carrier bags into uprisings or something), emptied the bathroom bin, put clean clothes away (washed and dried at the weekend) and put out a joss stick (downstairs) and the oil burner (my room).
I've yet to get washed and dressed or sort out dinner for tonight, so my room is getting attention but I am not. I can feel a major migraine building. I woke up headachey, but it got better, and this is my first major migraine of the day, at 3pm after an 8am start. The pain's only at a 4, making doing things a drag but not badly, but I want to try, just for once, to head it off at the pass. If I had less migraine, I would do a little piece of sewing, but I don't, so I won't. It's enough that my floor is clear and my room smells good.
Monday 11 February 2008
In which the Rodent plants bulbs and plays the flute.
I don't know whether this is my fourth or fifth lesson. I'd practised, but I am just not getting those eight-count blasts of noise, so that is my homework. Bizarrely, I can't read notes right after the rest, at least not when migrainous. The rest turns into an extra line or even two, and it makes it difficult to read the note straight after, especially if it's a minim. The solution turns out to be pencilling in a vertical line after the break to halt the bleeding of one mark into another.
This problem solved, we played on and I turned out to be spectacularly inept at C. This, alas, I cannot blame on my migraines. Sometimes I just am bad at something. :0) I have to be able to produce C easily too. If it's for 8 counts, this will be a bonus. Alex aims for one note per lesson and I am falling behind. I am still enjoying it. The tunes I produce may not be exciting, but they're tunes and I am sight reading them.
Since it was a nice day, I finally planted the bulbs I bought just after the January New Year. Then I rested and ate before my friend arrived. She helped me with the DLA forms, which have long ago run past their deadline because I've had no one to help me with the forms. This need for help was starkly realised within a page or two - left alone, I would have given up. As it is, I need to find a dozen pieces of paper and I am not sure I can. One page where everything was a stark YES I need help was communication. To those reading this blog, this might seem odd, but it's true. I avoid letters, forms and telephones because they hurt. Without Pol to pay the bills, I'd be sunk.
In between this, I fed her on wild boar sausages, steamed broccoli (florets and thin slices from the stem), raw carrots cut into matchsticks and thin slices of celery in crescents, with ketjap manis in a tiny little shot glass as a dip bowl.
The headache started waxing at about the time I sat down with the forms, lunchtime, which is amazingly late in the day for me. Usually I've had at least one by the time I have been up a few hours. As it is, the same headache is now pounding away at my head six hours later, which is all par for the course. I took cocodamol when it hit. I resisted taking it again just now, but I think actually I should if I am convinced that many painkillers mean fewer migraines in the long run. I have just trained myself to put up with the pain.
This problem solved, we played on and I turned out to be spectacularly inept at C. This, alas, I cannot blame on my migraines. Sometimes I just am bad at something. :0) I have to be able to produce C easily too. If it's for 8 counts, this will be a bonus. Alex aims for one note per lesson and I am falling behind. I am still enjoying it. The tunes I produce may not be exciting, but they're tunes and I am sight reading them.
Since it was a nice day, I finally planted the bulbs I bought just after the January New Year. Then I rested and ate before my friend arrived. She helped me with the DLA forms, which have long ago run past their deadline because I've had no one to help me with the forms. This need for help was starkly realised within a page or two - left alone, I would have given up. As it is, I need to find a dozen pieces of paper and I am not sure I can. One page where everything was a stark YES I need help was communication. To those reading this blog, this might seem odd, but it's true. I avoid letters, forms and telephones because they hurt. Without Pol to pay the bills, I'd be sunk.
In between this, I fed her on wild boar sausages, steamed broccoli (florets and thin slices from the stem), raw carrots cut into matchsticks and thin slices of celery in crescents, with ketjap manis in a tiny little shot glass as a dip bowl.
The headache started waxing at about the time I sat down with the forms, lunchtime, which is amazingly late in the day for me. Usually I've had at least one by the time I have been up a few hours. As it is, the same headache is now pounding away at my head six hours later, which is all par for the course. I took cocodamol when it hit. I resisted taking it again just now, but I think actually I should if I am convinced that many painkillers mean fewer migraines in the long run. I have just trained myself to put up with the pain.
Sunday 10 February 2008
In which the Rodent has a productive and not too painful day.
This morning has been quietly productive. Yesterday was very much a day of leaving things where they fall, which will very, very quickly reduce a house to squalor.
It's amazing how much more active I am every time I refill the house with fresh vegetables. I had a mild migraine all day, say about a 2 since it wasn't bothering me unless I rolled my eyes or shook my head. Towards the evening, I got snappy and miserable and kept rowing with Pol over stupid thing. I finally realised I was in pain at 7ish levels, so I've had cocodamol and I am less miserable and also less in pain.
Friday 8 February 2008
In which the Rodent posts the letter of complaint and celebrates with suicidal leeks.
I went out and posted a letter of complaint after the unpleasantness with the court officer or whoever she was yesterday, with all the bells and whistles.
The weather's dry and quite warm. I did manage to get to the chemist to get a form for getting drugs delivered. I get so stressed out about trying to keep up with the beta blockers, if I can use this service, then I can keep regular with the drugs and also use my energy for other things. For example, I'd like to get Moth registered at a new vet, get my teeth seen to, various other things I've been putting off.
I had to fill in a form and the chemist was just closing for lunch, so I grabbed a sarnie at the local cafe - actually one of three local cafes! They lent me a pen, and I got the form done and posted, but it did leave me migrainous. Something about filling in forms sets them off and I think it's a combination of the leaning forward and the having to focus eyes and attention. The leaning forward problem would also explain why I can read a book in bed or in the bath but not when out of the house - being outside means sitting upright, which means looking down to read.
On then to the butcher, to get meat and veggies. I want to do veal burger on a bed of leeks and vichy carrots, which is just carrots split and cooked in slightly sugared water to give them a glaze. Courgettes, carrots, white turnips, some leeks which kept trying to commit suicide by leaping, so I got the butcher to decapitate them and save them the trouble. Mixed peppers, lemons, celery. A good sized leg of lamb for the weekend and some sausages. No sweet potatoes though. They seem to be out of season. The entire lot was £16 and it's basically enough food for most of a week.
While I was walking from the butcher, a piece of paper fell out of my pocket, but it didn't look like much and I thought it must be an old receipt, since I couldn't remember anything papery I had wanted to keep. Since I was sweating and trembling and it was small and not important, I let it go. It's only occurred to me now that it was probably the tracking number for the letter I sent. Bother. My brain just does not seem to connect things in real time - I am always working them out later on.
Back home, feeling sick enough to nearly lose the bacon and egg sarnie, and distinctly not enjoying life even a little, in fact completely miserable with pain, not even wanting to put the veg away. Putting veg into the drawer and seeing all the tempting ingredients usually makes me happy and full of recipe ideas. The complete lack of pleasure puts the pain at about a 7. I persuaded myself to take cocodamol, but I think I've missed my opportunity since my head is pounding merrily.
The weather's dry and quite warm. I did manage to get to the chemist to get a form for getting drugs delivered. I get so stressed out about trying to keep up with the beta blockers, if I can use this service, then I can keep regular with the drugs and also use my energy for other things. For example, I'd like to get Moth registered at a new vet, get my teeth seen to, various other things I've been putting off.
I had to fill in a form and the chemist was just closing for lunch, so I grabbed a sarnie at the local cafe - actually one of three local cafes! They lent me a pen, and I got the form done and posted, but it did leave me migrainous. Something about filling in forms sets them off and I think it's a combination of the leaning forward and the having to focus eyes and attention. The leaning forward problem would also explain why I can read a book in bed or in the bath but not when out of the house - being outside means sitting upright, which means looking down to read.
On then to the butcher, to get meat and veggies. I want to do veal burger on a bed of leeks and vichy carrots, which is just carrots split and cooked in slightly sugared water to give them a glaze. Courgettes, carrots, white turnips, some leeks which kept trying to commit suicide by leaping, so I got the butcher to decapitate them and save them the trouble. Mixed peppers, lemons, celery. A good sized leg of lamb for the weekend and some sausages. No sweet potatoes though. They seem to be out of season. The entire lot was £16 and it's basically enough food for most of a week.
While I was walking from the butcher, a piece of paper fell out of my pocket, but it didn't look like much and I thought it must be an old receipt, since I couldn't remember anything papery I had wanted to keep. Since I was sweating and trembling and it was small and not important, I let it go. It's only occurred to me now that it was probably the tracking number for the letter I sent. Bother. My brain just does not seem to connect things in real time - I am always working them out later on.
Back home, feeling sick enough to nearly lose the bacon and egg sarnie, and distinctly not enjoying life even a little, in fact completely miserable with pain, not even wanting to put the veg away. Putting veg into the drawer and seeing all the tempting ingredients usually makes me happy and full of recipe ideas. The complete lack of pleasure puts the pain at about a 7. I persuaded myself to take cocodamol, but I think I've missed my opportunity since my head is pounding merrily.
Wednesday 6 February 2008
In which the Rodent eats steamed buns and watches Reaper with friends.
Happy New Year for Friday, to those it affects.
I woke up and came downstairs as usual, but Pol came back from work just as I was waking up. I hadn't realised just how much I needed that first groggy hour of watching inane drivel on telly. As a result, I ended up on edge and snappy while he was trying to unwrap his new purchases.
Pol unpacked various things and when Rob, Angela and Claire came round, Rob helped him take it up. He gave me a box of good acrylic paints, shiny! Very shiny when some of them are Windsor and Newton. Big tubes, too. These will get used. Painting is very hard for me to do now, since my head has to be tilted forward and it takes a level of concentration and detailed vision in good light.
We talked about Chinese restaurants, about how irrational jealousy can make people very isolated, played Identify the Steamed Bun and flux and watched Reaper on E4 for buggy goodness.
Now I am tired and headachey and very, very happy. Being in pain didn't stop me having a good time. I do want drugs though, so I'll get some more after typing this up, making two doses of cocodamol for today. My pain level is at a nice, solid thumping 6, heading toward the 7 where I stop enjoying myself, and I want to be able to keep this sense of having had a good time. When it gets to 7, I literally can't enjoy anything, although I still function.
I woke up and came downstairs as usual, but Pol came back from work just as I was waking up. I hadn't realised just how much I needed that first groggy hour of watching inane drivel on telly. As a result, I ended up on edge and snappy while he was trying to unwrap his new purchases.
Pol unpacked various things and when Rob, Angela and Claire came round, Rob helped him take it up. He gave me a box of good acrylic paints, shiny! Very shiny when some of them are Windsor and Newton. Big tubes, too. These will get used. Painting is very hard for me to do now, since my head has to be tilted forward and it takes a level of concentration and detailed vision in good light.
We talked about Chinese restaurants, about how irrational jealousy can make people very isolated, played Identify the Steamed Bun and flux and watched Reaper on E4 for buggy goodness.
Now I am tired and headachey and very, very happy. Being in pain didn't stop me having a good time. I do want drugs though, so I'll get some more after typing this up, making two doses of cocodamol for today. My pain level is at a nice, solid thumping 6, heading toward the 7 where I stop enjoying myself, and I want to be able to keep this sense of having had a good time. When it gets to 7, I literally can't enjoy anything, although I still function.
Sunday 3 February 2008
In which the Rodent has a lazy Sunday alone.
(Start Game Stuff)
The party now works as a team and Kevin keeps us all keyed up for the full ten hours or so we're there, which is not bad going. The party feels very settled now. I like the feeling that my cleric is valuable. I was trying spells with her I hadn't tried before, and buffing up other PCs, and it was all working. We got through a harrowing fight in time to not die, although we lost a horse, and then, having more or less shrugged off this near-death experience thinking a few drinks and a good night's sleep would solve it, our party wandered into a bureaucracy. Fill in form P235B to get a new horse... My cleric is pretty much incapacitated by the lawfulness of it all.
(End Game Stuff)
So, I rolled in at about 1am, with the painkillers worn off, having had a great game with good snacks. Apparently I left my keys in the front door, since someone had posted them back through the letter box when I woke up. Did I mention that I am not very with it when migrainous? Things like dropping things repeatedly and leaving the house insecure get me down.
Moth was very pleased to see me. After a while slumped on the sofa, I ended up running around after her, with her galloping about being Wildebeest, tail up. She loves the spare room being so open and empty, since it makes a great playground for her. I still have books to sort through and I will.
I didn't wake up at all until about 5pm or so. I was vaguely aware that Moth came and tried to rouse me at various points, but I just turned over and went straight back to sleep. It was wonderful.
So, the day after being exhausted, I set about my own routine of television and housework. I'm all washed and dressed. I have put laundry on and it's now drying. Pol's clean clothes have been put away. I've fed Moth, cleaned out the kitchen bin and replaced the bag, watered the cat grass (Moth has stopped throwing up since we got her cat grass), eaten sausages and green peas (yay vegetables!), wiped the kitchen and the bathroom, cleaned the loo, replaced the hand towel and taken the rubbish out of my room.
I've taken cocodamol, despite my pain levels only being five or six, because I want to go Outside and get more gas and electricity before they run out, and I am hurting enough that I am avoiding bending down or going out. It's not so much the pain that's always a problem, as the avoiding doing things because they'll hurt and make me throw up. If it was one migraine a week, fine, but I can't avoid everything forever. So, I've taken drugs. Yay drugs.
There's a move made to provide evening and weekend GP cover in Scotland which matters to me, because I want the same sort of provision down here. Pol really ought to be seeing a doctor for his low mood, but can't because he's working in Solihull and can't see a GP there, and they're all closed during the day. He can't apparently afford to take time off to get this all sorted out.
I get upset that Pol's apparently in a good job and is always acting as though we're only just scraping by. He snaps about money and working long hours, and yet he will buy a holiday in Sicily for us both without a second thought. I can't ever get him to tell me what's going on without first blustering, talking at me at length and then losing his temper when I don't immediately grasp things. I know he's obfuscating, but I can't work out how to sort out what is coming in (never enough) and what's going out (always too much) and how we can be too broke to do sensible things but have enough to splash out. Even seeing the bank statements doesn't clarify things.
I've put together a menu for the week, to see what vegetables I want to buy from the butcher. The winter menu is different to the summer menu, because I buy locally. It's nice.
The party now works as a team and Kevin keeps us all keyed up for the full ten hours or so we're there, which is not bad going. The party feels very settled now. I like the feeling that my cleric is valuable. I was trying spells with her I hadn't tried before, and buffing up other PCs, and it was all working. We got through a harrowing fight in time to not die, although we lost a horse, and then, having more or less shrugged off this near-death experience thinking a few drinks and a good night's sleep would solve it, our party wandered into a bureaucracy. Fill in form P235B to get a new horse... My cleric is pretty much incapacitated by the lawfulness of it all.
(End Game Stuff)
So, I rolled in at about 1am, with the painkillers worn off, having had a great game with good snacks. Apparently I left my keys in the front door, since someone had posted them back through the letter box when I woke up. Did I mention that I am not very with it when migrainous? Things like dropping things repeatedly and leaving the house insecure get me down.
Moth was very pleased to see me. After a while slumped on the sofa, I ended up running around after her, with her galloping about being Wildebeest, tail up. She loves the spare room being so open and empty, since it makes a great playground for her. I still have books to sort through and I will.
I didn't wake up at all until about 5pm or so. I was vaguely aware that Moth came and tried to rouse me at various points, but I just turned over and went straight back to sleep. It was wonderful.
So, the day after being exhausted, I set about my own routine of television and housework. I'm all washed and dressed. I have put laundry on and it's now drying. Pol's clean clothes have been put away. I've fed Moth, cleaned out the kitchen bin and replaced the bag, watered the cat grass (Moth has stopped throwing up since we got her cat grass), eaten sausages and green peas (yay vegetables!), wiped the kitchen and the bathroom, cleaned the loo, replaced the hand towel and taken the rubbish out of my room.
I've taken cocodamol, despite my pain levels only being five or six, because I want to go Outside and get more gas and electricity before they run out, and I am hurting enough that I am avoiding bending down or going out. It's not so much the pain that's always a problem, as the avoiding doing things because they'll hurt and make me throw up. If it was one migraine a week, fine, but I can't avoid everything forever. So, I've taken drugs. Yay drugs.
There's a move made to provide evening and weekend GP cover in Scotland which matters to me, because I want the same sort of provision down here. Pol really ought to be seeing a doctor for his low mood, but can't because he's working in Solihull and can't see a GP there, and they're all closed during the day. He can't apparently afford to take time off to get this all sorted out.
I get upset that Pol's apparently in a good job and is always acting as though we're only just scraping by. He snaps about money and working long hours, and yet he will buy a holiday in Sicily for us both without a second thought. I can't ever get him to tell me what's going on without first blustering, talking at me at length and then losing his temper when I don't immediately grasp things. I know he's obfuscating, but I can't work out how to sort out what is coming in (never enough) and what's going out (always too much) and how we can be too broke to do sensible things but have enough to splash out. Even seeing the bank statements doesn't clarify things.
I've put together a menu for the week, to see what vegetables I want to buy from the butcher. The winter menu is different to the summer menu, because I buy locally. It's nice.
Friday 1 February 2008
In which the Rodent takes drugs.
So, I've gone back to just taking painkillers, mostly Happy Fun Cocodamol (i.e. the fizzy 8/500s) whenever I feel blech due to pain without worrying about taking too many or rebound headaches. This is working out to be about once or twice a day, generally in the evening.
The end result seems to be that my migraines are calming back down again. I no longer actively dread any task that will mean having to bend forward. I've seen to the cat tray two days in a row now. I did online shopping, which I haven't done for ages because I couldn't focus long enough to work through it all. If I take painkillers, I seem to be in less pain, even after the painkillers have worn off. Avoiding painkillers left me in a lot of pain and unable to function.
Now, how to articulate this for the pain clinic people...
Today's food is veal. Since it's possible now to get high-welfare veal raised in the UK in reasonable living conditions, I got some from Odaco. I made it into burgers, using wholemeal breadcrumbs made by folding past-its-best bread into a lump and grating it, about a third the volume of bread to meat, two eggs, a good-sized double-handful of veal and enough ketjap manis (a thick, sticky, sweetish soy sauce) to be able to taste the difference. It was nice, cooked until done in the Foreman grill. I had it with cajun sweetcorn fritters.
The end result seems to be that my migraines are calming back down again. I no longer actively dread any task that will mean having to bend forward. I've seen to the cat tray two days in a row now. I did online shopping, which I haven't done for ages because I couldn't focus long enough to work through it all. If I take painkillers, I seem to be in less pain, even after the painkillers have worn off. Avoiding painkillers left me in a lot of pain and unable to function.
Now, how to articulate this for the pain clinic people...
Today's food is veal. Since it's possible now to get high-welfare veal raised in the UK in reasonable living conditions, I got some from Odaco. I made it into burgers, using wholemeal breadcrumbs made by folding past-its-best bread into a lump and grating it, about a third the volume of bread to meat, two eggs, a good-sized double-handful of veal and enough ketjap manis (a thick, sticky, sweetish soy sauce) to be able to taste the difference. It was nice, cooked until done in the Foreman grill. I had it with cajun sweetcorn fritters.
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